Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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