Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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