Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
