I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
