I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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