The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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