It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
