it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
