Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
