the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
