I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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