i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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