So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
