did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
