Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
