my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
