i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have fence marks all over my body
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
