you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
