spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
