She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
