On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
