Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
