glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
