I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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