You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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