I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
