Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Girls should come with a carfax report
We just shotgunned beers for America
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
