We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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