Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
