It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
