Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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