sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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