When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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