how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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