her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
