I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
