and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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