Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
