it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
