All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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