One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
