I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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