mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
