We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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