I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
