my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
