I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
