Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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