I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
