He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
