I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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