By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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