I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
