how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
