for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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