I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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